Remembering March 6, 1982... our wedding day

It was 28 years ago today--the wedding of the century--for me at least. As I recall, we were both pretty excited about it. I think she had to get some blood because her red blood cells were running low or something. It was a great service with our marriage counselor priest and two other priests who were quite close to me as concelebrants at Mass. There was a nice little reception afterward, and two exhausted newly weds headed off to a nice hotel room in Tulsa. Looking back on it, they were a real sweet couple.

Jesus said:
"But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife: And the two shal be one flesh; so they are no more two, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."

And in the house his disciples asked him (Jesus) again of the same matter. And he saith unto them, "Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, commits adultery against her. And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another she commits adultery." (Mark 10:6-12)

No support system and plenty of contacts make “Catholic divorces” easy (series)

Growing up in a "different" community
I was a Roman Catholic for more than 40 years. I was the eldest of nine kids and all of us piled into the car every Sunday with mom and dad and made a 15 mile journey to the little mission church in Eufaula.

That was “our church” though it was usually just a Sunday thing, except for an occasional “holy day of obligation” and maybe a church dinner once or twice a year at most.

We really liked all the folks at that little church and they felt like family to us—for a couple of hours every Sunday. And after those two hours…we rarely saw any of them for the rest of the week.

In fact, the rest of the week, we were “real ecumenical” in a hometown that was wall to wall Protestant. Mom even sent us to vacation bible school at the Church of Christ (where I first learned to read the bible) and the Methodist Church (more bible practice).

Another favorite summer vacation bible school was the one out at the lake with the Federated Church minister and his wife (more singing and crafts than Bible reading). We even occasionally went on youth trips throughout the year with the First Baptist (Southern Baptist) Church. And yes, believe it or not, as teenagers, me, my two brothers (twins) and sister made the headcount look a lot better in the Methodist Youth Fellowship (MYF). I’m not kiddin’—Catholic kids moonlighting as MYF members. We did it.

So what’s the point? We were Catholic kids who grew up in a Protestant community. Consequently, if we ever had an important conversation, it was usually with a Protestant and not a Roman Catholic. The few times I had an important conversation about one Roman Catholic doctrine or another—mom and dad would go ballistic—especially if I noted the bible we’d learned about with our Protestant friends didn’t say a thing about this Catholic belief or that one.

I wanted to know too much

I was really the only kid, among the older ones in my family, who was interested in what the Catholic Church had to teach us. The same thing was true with the woman who became my wife. She really just didn’t care what the church taught. She was raised to go to a certain church every Sunday and that was that—just like me—except I had this "stupid" interest in what the church required us to believe.

Still, for both of us, the word “church” simply meant a “place” to “be near our Maker” for an hour or two a week. That was all. Even when Roberta began singing at church, that was just another hour of practice. She enjoyed singing, so the extra hour just made her feel better that she was contributing to the worship.

Did we have close Catholic friends who cared enough about the faith that they called us to be “good Catholics?” No. We had some Catholic friends, but we didn’t see them much, except for Mass and none of them ever offered any “spiritual” support. That just really wasn’t to be found—it was always treated as something that was just too “personal.” We didn’t really even talk about it.

When I finally began trying to practice the Roman Catholic teachings I was raised in—my wife was having nothing to do with it. Weekly or monthly confession? I had to be kidding! Daily Mass? What’s wrong with you?

And that was only the beginning, the list of required-for-salvation Catholics beliefs is a long one: Papal infallibility and supremacy, Mary’s immaculate conception and her bodily assumption into heaven, Mary’s perpetual virginity, the existence of Purgatory, the absolute necessity for confession of our sins to a priest and absolution from the priest, the teaching that you will go to hell if you die with a mortal sin on your soul, no assurance of salvation, transubstantiation, the consecrated host containing the “whole” Christ—his body, blood, soul and divinity, the Mass as an actual sacrifice, to name just few.

Blocking me out--facilitating the divorce
So my wife decided she just wasn’t even going to think about all that—just keeping going to Mass and singing on Sunday—block out what she considered negative. She never had anyone but me asking her to try to support the teachings of the church and I was easy to block out. Where were the priests? Where were the devout Catholics? Where was her own family? Her Roman Catholic deacon daddy?

Her Roman Catholic deacon daddy? He was the guy who made it easy for his “baby” to divorce me. He facilitated the whole thing. He and Grandma were there to take our own babies away so their daughter could tell me she’d filed for a divorce, then dash off to join all her liberated “Mary Kay” girl friends for the “conference” in Kansas City.

Had her parents tried to slow her down? Asked her to consider a temporary separation? Urged some serious counseling? Inquired about her antidepressant medication? If her parents did so, they never mentioned a word of it to me and never gave me even one supportive word—and its been nine years now.

Instead, they made it their goal to meet and exceed all their daughter’s selfish, over-medicated decisions. They paid for the divorce attorney, put her up at their place for several months while she got a job and got her feet on the ground, took care of the boys, helped her get into a home. Yes, they’re the salt of the earth, and they haven’t done a damn thing to this day—to help give our marriage a second chance in any way. Baby don’t want that.

On to the annulment
But now comes the one contribution they can make to drive the stake of sure death into this marriage—help baby get that annulment—so she can feel good about doing “things” with other men.

My wife’s own mother has spent the last several years telling my two boys it’s ok for their mom to date other men—because she "deserves" to do so! What? Yep, even Grandma gets to air her twisted doctrine of "divorce deserves good things."

As for my own mom? My wife told the boys that all my “mommy dearest” had to tell her was that she couldn’t believe my wife hadn’t divorce me sooner! I swear, you’d think I had been building a brothel or beating my wife or something. As always, thanks so much for your support mom. There’s nothing like family!

And just when you thought it couldn’t get better for baby—her daddy, the good “deacon emeritus” has a bunch of friends in Tulsa where he’s helped from time to time at the tribunal. Yeah, he’s helped people get annulments there before—and you can bet he’ll be right there for his baby again this time.

These people don’t care about doing the right thing—they just want to help baby get what baby wants. And no, it don’t matter if it’s a sin or not. And no, it don’t even really matter that Jesus says baby will commit adultery if she remarries (Mark 10:12). What matters is what baby wants, and what baby wants, is what baby gets. How’s that for some REAL Roman Catholic doctrine?

To top it all off—the local priest is a canon lawyer! Go baby, go baby, go baby go! We’ll get you the handbasket you want for Hell, and give you the church’s blessing to boot!

The witnesses
The hypocrisy doesn’t get much deeper than this folks. And to think my two young sons are plenty old enough that they’ll remember all this for the rest of their lives.

Talk about a model family.

Lord, have mercy.

She says divorce is her "God-given right," but Jesus and the pope say "no" (series)

You may remember from a previous post that I told you that my wife was adamant: “she will do what she wants to do, when she wants to do it,” and she believes that is her “God-given right.” She told me she believes that’s exactly what she was doing—exercising her God-given right—when she filed for divorce from me without so much as a marriage counseling session back in March of 2001 (despite the fact that she's a Roman Catholic who is not supposed to believe in divorce).

Thankfully, both Jesus and the pope disagree with her. Yes, it seems the only problem with her “God-given right” complaint is that neither her church nor Jesus himself support her claim. In fact, both flatly reject her claim to such a so-called “right.” Both the pope and Jesus are real clear on the matter.

The pope says a marriage is an “indissoluble bond” and that without some sort of obvious defect, which means someone entered a marriage without the intent to be married or really try (our marriage lasted 19 years) to remain married, or there was something that made it impossible for the couple to have intercourse, etc..(we had two children) then the marriage must be considered valid.

In fact, the pope insists that, even if there is a doubt about the validity of the marriage, without ironclad evidence, the pope says the local tribunal must find that the marriage is valid.

“Marriage enjoys the favour of the (canon) law. Hence, in case of doubt, a marriage must be held to be valid until the contrary is proven. Otherwise we run the serious risk of remaining without an objective point of reference for pronouncements of nullity, transforming all conjugal difficulties into a symptom of a failed union whose essential nucleus of justice - the indissoluble bond - is thus effectively denied.”

In other words, the pope says you can’t just uphold the flimsy reason a person may have used to get a divorce, such as “irreconcilable differences” just because she or he wanted a divorce. And just because the civil government gave it to them easy, you cannot take the easy rout. In fact, the pope told the Rota, the highest authority on Roman Catholic marriages, that easy way must be avoided:

This latter virtue (justice) “becomes more important when injustice seems the easiest path to follow, in as much as it involves giving in to the desires and expectations of the parties involved, or to the conditioning of the social environment.”

My wife has told me she plans to pull out all the stops to make sure she gets her annulment and that means she’s planning to use a lot of character assassination tactics. In other words, she plans to trump up reasons to try to prove that I was immature (at the age of 23) and not ready for marriage and she will come up with reasons that the same might apply to her ( at the age of 21) as well. Of course, the idea is to try to give the tribunal some sort of ammo to come to a declaration that will nullify the marriage.

God the Father forgive me that I left his (God the) Son’s comments on the matter for last. But the fact of the matter is that Jesus specifically mentions the woman’s role in a divorce only once in Mark 10:12 and he is very specific:

And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she commits adultery.

In other words, no matter what the Tulsa tribunal may rule, Christ himself insists that if my wife marries another man, now that she has divorced me, she commits adultery.

Of course, my wife believes all she has to do is ask Jesus for forgiveness and everything will be alright. She doesn’t seem to realize that every time she and her “new squeeze” have “relations” they commit adultery—even if its his first marriage. Jesus says they will never be able to come together except in a state of sin—adultery. In other words, what they are doing is “unforgiven” until my wife leaves him, truly repents and seeks to return to me.

Does any of this make me feel better? Not really. My concern is for my wife and her ultimate salvation. As her husband, I can only do what I can to try to seek reconciliation with her and trust in the Lord to at least help me endure whatever I must.

It’s been tough, but he has been good to me for more than nine years now. Bless his name. Jesus is Lord and I thank him so for saving me completely. My prayer is that it will be his will to awaken the love of my earthly life for her sake first, and mine second.

Pope warns lawyers and tribunals against "adapting truth" when it comes to annulments (series)

Under Roman Catholic canon law, a marriage can be declared null and void for a variety of reasons, including impotence, a previous marriage, or a lack of psychological maturity at the time of the union.

In short, if there is no physical reason to declare the marriage null and void—they can come up with a mental one.

Of course, the pope tells the tribunal, in no uncertain terms, that they cannot do this, they cannot make a mockery of the truth in order to get an annulment for the man or woman who wants it. Nevertheless, he's obviously fighting an up hill battle. Local tribunals grant annulments in 97 percent of the cases in the United States.

In a recent meeting with the Roman Rota, the pope indicated he had more than a passing feeling this high number of annulments had a lot to do with false pastoral claims. In other words, pastors, that is priests, willing to lie or stretch the truth in the name of "charity."

“It is necessary to take account of the tendency - widespread and well-rooted though not always obvious - to contrast justice with charity, almost as if the one excluded the other,” said the Pope.

"Some people maintain that pastoral charity justifies any measures taken towards the declaration of nullity of the marriage bond. ... Truth itself ... would thus tend to be seen in a functional perspective, adapting itself to the different requirements that arise in each case.”

In other words “adapting truth” to get what the “plaintiff” wants is not supposed to be an option, according to the pope, and it cannot be if tribunal members are to exercise the justice that is their essential work—no matter how easy it is to give someone what they want instead of what is right.

As the pope puts it, this latter virtue (justice) “becomes more important when injustice seems the easiest path to follow, in as much as it involves giving in to the desires and expectations of the parties involved, or to the conditioning of the social environment.”

More in the next blog…

Pope fights easy “Catholic divorces” --annulments (series)

97 percent of U.S. annulments are granted--about 60,000 a year--accounting for 60 percent of all annulments worldwide

What a wonderful coincidence, or was it a coincidence?! Just a few weeks ago, the pope decided to offer some very specific directives to avoid the rampant problem of the unfair granting of annulments by local boards known as tribunals (I'll start to review some of the pope’s words, after some brief comments).

My wife is seeking such an annulment of our marriage, asking a tribunal to declare our 19-year marriage null and void—as if it never existed. I have repeatedly asked her, to no avail, to consider reconciliation.

Some may believe that the pope and I disagree on everything--no, no. Just a few very important things. But this is not one of them. I'm all for the pope’s stand against easy annulments.

Annulments come real easy in the U.S. with more than 97 percent of the annulments in the U.S. (about 60,000 annually) being granted. The U.S. accounts for 60 percent of all annulments worldwide (about 100,000 annually)! In other words, the local tribunals hand them out like candy--that's why they're often called "Catholic divorces"

On the other hand, while they won't "publicly" disagree with their pope, I'm pretty sure most of his instructions will be ignored by his fellow Roman Catholics on the tribunal in Tulsa and they'll give my wife an annulment anyway, so she can continue in her sin--foolin' around with other guys.

Nevertheless, it is good to know the pope has identified and is hoping to correct some very specific problems--and he may have had the Tulsa bunch in mind, when he spoke to the highest tribunal on marriage--the Roman Rota.

For the next few blogs, we’ll look at what the pope says, so we can compare it to the decision of the Tulsa tribunal when it happens.

According to the pope, priests and tribunals who think they can justify what they want by insisting it’s "the charitable thing to do" are mistaken, they can’t bend the truth in the name of charity:

"Some people maintain that pastoral charity justifies any measures taken towards the declaration of nullity of the marriage bond. ... Truth itself ... would thus tend to be seen in a functional perspective, adapting itself to the different requirements that arise in each case".

More on the next blog…

Quoth the raven: "Nevermore" A Look at Catholic divorces "annulments" (series)

She told me in no uncertain terms that she divorced me because she was a feminist who did not believe that the man should be the head of the household. My eldest son heard the whole thing. She told me that she would never return to me because she wanted to do what she wanted to do, when she wanted to do it and that that was her God-given right as a woman.

I remember asking her when she ever didn't get her way while we were married for those 19 years? She didn't have an answer. She did remind me that soon after she filed for divorce, I had given her a tape from an evangelist who had several scripture verses against divorce--she reminded me that she still didn't believe those verses were correct. Which verses? Oh, no big deal, just statements from Christ himself like:

He (Jesus) said to them, "whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery." (Mark 1:11-12)

That's pretty clear, don't you think. She doesn't believe what Christ says? Does she believe in Christ anymore?

Of course, "doing what she wants to do" these days includes dating and I'm the only one to tell her that the church, her church has a problem with her dating anyone until she gets an annulment. And to think, I'm not even Roman Catholic any more.

By the way, where's all her Roman Catholic friends who are supposed to be helping keep her on the straight and narrow away from wolves--both the married and non-married kind? More on that down the road.

In addition, while she certainly made the decision to divorce me nine years ago, how much was she influenced to do so by the type of brain-altering medication she was on? The type she's still on. Will she ever be her "old" self again? She certainly doesn't seem to want to be. But who would if you knew that in order to return your ability to have emotions again, you had to endure horrible withdrawal pains that she and thousands of others were never warned about when they were put on the medication?

There is help--Harvard specialist Joseph Glenmullen http://drglenmullen.com/ has a step by step procedure that smart physicians could follow to help their patients get off this medication and get a new start. I tried to give her Glenmullen's latest book--she gave it back immediately. She loves her "emotionally blunted" life and doesn't want Joe or me messing it up.

In the meantime, there’s thousand of couples out there who will tell you that drugs like she is taking helps ruin marriages http://www.topix.com/drug/effexor (see the forum item about marriages ruined—most of them tell stories identical to me and my wife).

The drug companies are ignoring these stories because they don’t want lawsuits. The serotonin gets flowing in the brain at abnormal levels, the woman or man suddenly “falls out of love” with their spouse, gets a quick divorce and starts seeking others. Sadly those on the drug often find that when they get off of it their feelings for their original spouse return…but by then it is often too late the other spouse has “moved on.”

I have repeatedly asked my wife to consider reconciliation and/or counseling with me, write me, e-mail me, join me for lunch or talk on the phone. She has refused every offer. (Instead, a "Catholic divorce" or "annulment" is on the way.)

The same is true for my attempt to get her help for her medication. I certainly believe her actions back then were tied to this medication that continues to manipulate her. If she is the least bit late in taking it day to day, she gets horrible headaches and various other side effects. She's completely under its control. Well, she can’t say I didn’t try to help.

More to come...